Remember the book, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” (or perhaps its acclaimed follow-up, “If You Give a Moose a Muffin”) from your childhood?
Maybe, maybe not.
The long and short of it: these [highly recommended!] stories are “circular tales” that open with an activating event [giving aforementioned mouse a cookie], and the chain reaction of actions that follow: needing milk to go with it, then looking in the mirror only to notice a milk moustache….and stray hair, cutting his hair, cleaning up the mess in the bathroom, getting carried away and cleaning the whole house, and on and on. SPOILER ALERT: it ends with the mouse eating a cookie in the end. Sorry.
[How I can remember this, but not what I wore to work on Thursday? No idea. I digress].
The other day, this “circular tale” came to life. No, not with a mouse or a moose. Rather, with your everyday, run-of-the-mill young adult; and no, not with a cookie, but rather the infectiously addictive Pumpkin Spice Latte. Yes, that beverage that’s slowly creeped into your Facebook newsfeed, conquering your Instagram feed and Twitter stream in the meantime. Like crack, Starbucks and other coffee joints are seeing a spike in sales thanks to these beverages. Now that temperatures are in the 50s and 60s, your stereotypical white chicks might as well hook themselves up to an IV for a pumpkin-patch-sized dosage of these drinks.
So here we are, where the story begins. The setting: a Starbucks in Chicago, on a gloriously autumnal afternoon. The characters: two white chicks.
- If you give a white girl a Pumpkin Spiced Latte, she’ll want a pastry to go with it.
- Knowing the challenges of eating, drinking and walking, they decide to sit and stay.
- At a cozy table, whilst nomming and sipping, they have time to look through Twitter streams and discuss major breaking news, like Fashion Police continuing its regular taping without Joan Rivers. And ISIS.
- They notice a tweet advertising a Fall sale at a department store, so decide to check it out. After all, what’s Fall without a new set of boots.
- The two girls travel to the store, making a pit stop along the way at a drugstore for gum (ew, pumpkin breath).
- They continue their mile-long journey to department store on the breezy afternoon.
- It’s really, really breezy.
- It gets breezier, blowing bags off of shoulders, and hair into the wind….and into the mouth of one girl.
- Into the mouth, and now attached to gum. Gum. In. the. Hair.
- The two girls stop at a hotel along the way to extract gum and collect themselves before continuing onto their destination.
- At the hotel is an afternoon wedding reception, so the girls peer into the ballroom to observe and judge accordingly.
- The hotel concierge politely escorts the bystanders from the back of the hotel.
- The two girls continue on the Journey to Boots, ultimately making it to the department store…where every other human in the world seems to be fighting for space in the shoe department.
- Note that these boot-seekers are aggressive and armed (with like 15 shopping bags from the American Girl store, easily leveraged as weapons for personal space).
- One girl loses balance after being elbowed in the Battle of Boots, steps backward…. Only to knock over a display.
- The two girls receive evil death stares from the aggressive shoppers as they assist store associates restacking the display.
- One evil starer held a bag from a nearby pet supply store (I use this term loosely as they sell dog-sweaters and couture kitten carriers.
- Taking note of the store and recognizing they needed to get their youknowwhats out of the store, they decide to travel to the pet supply store and pick up a “new puppy” gift for a family member.
- They reach pet supply store and are greeted by volunteers from a local no-kill shelter.
- The volunteers, like the department store patrons, are armed….with rescue dogs.
- While neither girl can have a dog of her own, they feel the need to help.
- The girls offer to put some signs up along the street to advertise the adoption stand…and are handed 20. That’s a lot of signs.
- 30 minutes of sign-hanging later, which followed the gum-crisis, wedding-crashing, department store debacle, three miles of walking, one girl notices she’s hungry.
- What does she want? Sugar.
- Like, a pastry.
- Across the street, beaming like the Gates to Heaven is…a Starbucks.
- The girls travel in and what are all the pastry options? Pumpkin-flavored.
- She’s satisfied after the pastry. But notices that…..she’s thirsty.
- What is a solid pick-me-up after such an afternoon?
- A PSL.
So, there you have it. Consider yourself warned of the events that can surface if you give a girl a Pumpkin Spiced Latte: losing some hair, being escorted from a hotel, getting assaulted by aggressive shoppers, serving as a humanitarian and NOT getting boots is entirely possible.
The world’s better off with Peppermint Mochas anyway.