Like many of my fellow twenty-something females, I’m guilty of having a pop culture obsession. As inundated as we are with social media and real-time updates on the web, it’s near-impossible to avoid.
“Keeping up with the Jones’” is now “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”
Staying abreast of Taylor Swift’s love life can easily be a part-time job.
Thanks to the watchful eyes of the paparazzi, we can see what groceries celebs load up on from Whole Foods (kale is the new black, in case you were wondering).
And OHMYGOD did you see who Gwyneth Paltrow was spotted having lunch with five minutes ago?
While doing some educational reading in CVS earlier, I saw a photo spread in Us Weekly featuring some pictures of Oscar winners running errands, fashion designers eating ice cream and an award-winning TV anchor pushing her two-year-old on a swing, all under the headline: “Celebs: They’re Just like Us!”
Um, what? I can’t really agree with you, Us Weekly.
I don’t wear Manolos to the park. I don’t own Manolos [yet].
I don’t wear my sunglasses into the store to shield my pupils from flashing cameras following me around.
I’m also not certa-freaking-fiably insane.
Hear me out: is it just me, or have celebrities recently been a particularly special breed of cray-cray?
Exhibit A: Paula Deen. Go figure the woman whose Southern twang necessitates subtitles, whose main ingredient to life is butter and who openly flirts with her son on television is a raging racist. But seriously: are you insane, woman? Do you not know people are listening to you and to apply a filter if you don’t want to offend the masses and not lose the majority of your multi-million dollar endorsements. Normal people don’t do this.
Exhibit B: Kanye West. This guy’s kind of a regular on these sorts of “WTF, bro” lists. I mean, he performed in a leather skirt for the Hurricane Sandy fundraiser for crying out loud. But despite the fact he recently entered fatherhood and is supposedly “humbled by his new role as dad,” Kanye compared himself in an “artist and activist” class with Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, Henry Ford and Howard Hughes. Some lyrics off his new album, Yeezus, actually draw comparisons between Kanye and God. So I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that most men don’t sport leather womenswear and most humans aren’t comparing themselves to Higher Powers terribly often.
Exhibit C: Amanda Bynes. Right, OK. Again, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say most of us haven’t tossed a bong out our apartment windows, racked up three DUIs in one year, pierced our cheeks, gone on Twitter rants threatening to sue the media for “mind reading” and planned to launch a rap career recently. I could be wrong, but going to go ahead and say this celeb is not scaling high on the spectrum of normalcy. Also, the whole pouring bleach in hair, vomiting in public places and planning to launch a rap career? Not sure us normals are picking up what this celeb’s throwing down.
Exhibit D: Miley Cyrus. So yeah; watch that “We Can’t Stop” video on YouTube (viewer discretion advised. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.). Closest to pornography these baby blues have seen and I’m sure Billy Ray’s proud of his little girl. So I guess sister gets herself this fancy, new P!nk-inspired haircut, has a new lease on life, is getting down with her badass-self (throw in some taxidermy for good-measure) and spends 3:34 twerking in front of a camera and calls it a day. She says it “reinvention.” Others call it “art.” Color me prude, but I’m calling it “%^&*&.” Miley regularly complains of being “stereotyped by the media” and claims to be a “normal woman figuring herself out.” Yeah, you’re right Miley. At 19 I was totally shaving my head, tattooing myself, grinding all over the Internet, wearing see-through apparel to events and “shaking it like we at a strip club.” Normal…definitely normal.
Exhibit E: Alec Baldwin. I’m fairly certain that anyone with a normal level of common sense knows better than to Tweet homophobic comments to a news reporter and expect to just…let it slide and go UNREPORTED. Then you can factor in the whole “tens of thousands of followers,” a high-profile and regular Tweet-ranter, and commentary along the lines of…oh something like “I’m gonna find you George Stark, you toxic little queen, and I’m gonna f**k you… up,” and you’re going to come off as a loon. Not really normal reasoning there, Baldwin.
I rest my case. There is “normal,” and then there is vomiting in public, a new and slightly offensive level of “discovering womanhood,” flaming bigotry and comparing oneself Christ.
In the words of The Holiness himself, “that sh*t cray.”